Saturday, September 10, 2011

Return from the Ramble

From the other day...digging it outta hiding... 

I have spent countless hours thinking about my addiction, AA, Alanon, sometimes GFD Coda (yeah, I went their outta decided loneliness in my early twenties, pathetic, much?), and the like.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I think I need to fix my thinking elsewhere.  Plus, I have been spending much of my time on a blog--that used to be linked here.  I am really creeped out by its some of its members right now and one of it s moderators.  -  

This blog is a place for ppl to meet up to discuss the dangers and stupidity of the 12 step ideology.  A few weeks ago I was pretty frustrated with several community members over there, one in particular.  I decided to leave the blog, but then went back in a sort of obsessive, without my own permission kind of way.  

My other irritation over at ST was this: an obviously mentally ill woman was on there trying to get some suport.  She seemed kinda borderline, nuts really.  But I could relate to being in that state.  I felt like some women over on the blog were kinda shitty about it.  And then she got kicked off the blog.  Though I love ftg I do not always agree with her and her inability to undermine the rigidity of the other moderator.

I do think spending my energy there takes up energy.  I need my energy to parent, find a teaching job, and deal with the mess that is my life.  And I want to get back to writing.  All I am doing now is commenting on blogs, FBing like a moron, and writing these stoopid stream of consciousness journal type entries.  Snoozefest.  But I do not wanna put myself down too much here.  Right now I still have to pass a teaching test.  Then I need to present my work to the dean of my college.  Fuck.  I just wanna curl up in a ball and read the books I want to read.  I am very low functioning right now.  And also, to make things super fucking stressful, my relationship is so on the rocks that i feel like I am having PTSD panic episodes all the time.  

Also, my son is now in middle school.  I have not truly melted down over this as of yet; however, I feel struck.  I feel like a deer in the headlights.  Heartbroken.  Like it is a sort of crisis.  The world is moving by, passing me by, too quickly.  I feel like everything will end soon.  I feel like if I ignore my life and do not strive for joy, I will also not feel the pain that is inevitable.  The raising is hard, but the letting go is impossible.  I feel like mothering has been the most astounding thing I will ever do.  It is why I am here.  But I also feel like it is the hardest thing.  And I feel like it is one hell of a lonely job.  Moms often compete, we same to rarely cooperate or support.  I was told by the mother of some chubby kids this week to give my son a protein shake.  As I write this, the anger is returning.  Man, who did she think she was doing this? I do not wanna get into what I said, but man, it threw me.  I know my kid is perfect; I was not worried about that.  But I was concerned  I was putting out a vibe that ppl can treat me like shit.  And this woman is so fucking ridiculously housebound in her overly controlled relationship.  She has a permanent, metaphoric, ugly as fuck diaper bag slug over her shoulder.  I would rather not talk to anyone right now, anyone that is in the tiny, boring as fuck , little town.  I hate its conservatism, its reliance on football for entertainment, and its general nit-wit-ism.  I hate the Lands End way ppl dress.  And mostly, fuckitall, And the mom community, well fuck... I am so sick of it, as this mentioned aspect of the mom community where I live seems so rampant with this diaper bag douche baggedness.  


  1. I love you Violet! You can do anything you set your mind to! You are a brilliant, smart and funny woman! I will link you on my blog. I had no idea you would like that. *STINKIN-THINKERS UNITE!* Take care of yourself and your little man! xoxo Rach

  2. hey. i hope you're ok. i am so sorry about what happened today. i have a gut feeling they you're safe, but i know you were worried bout your safety to day and that truly sux. i am blown away by MA's comment, Rach. I did email ftg with my concerns (that his comment sucked and about erasing yours, etc.). I am not sure if she old you. Anyway, I am sorry. . I am so happy that I did find yer blog through those guys. It is a shame he yanked it. it seems so petty. something a mean chick would do! about your blog... it remind writers everywhere to write no matter what. thanks so much for linking me. i need to make this violet blog a priority. my writing is scattered in so many places. if i centralize it, i feel like i can see growth and maybe--finally--start writing short stories again. I would love to get published--someday!--in *at least* a third tier literary journal..i love those perfectly crafted stories, all of them.

  3. Hi Violet. Yeah, the whole thing is really fucked up. I removed every single reference to ST from my site because I cannot endorse a scary place that is run by someone who would put anyone, especially ME in harms way! He opened the door to a bad situation that I hope will go away, quickly!

    I will help you self-publish, if you want to. A lot of my friends are doing that and making a decent living with short stories. You are a talented writer. Please know this. You can centralize your energies. Just keep on writing, girl! You rock. Truly. I absolutely adore you!

    I will never go to ST again. EVER.

    Love and an epic hug.

    BTW, did you see that I linked you? I am PROUD to do it! xoxo

  4. honey, thank you. i hope you keep me and everyone else posted--i'm sure you will--on where you go next. again, sux. ma was the one who booted g2k and told him to "take his act somewhere else." so fucking mean. gunther did a lot for st. also, he was shitty to WA. she was a needy chick on st who was drinking and was a teense batshit. i wish ftg would go into the st biz on her own!

  5. Yep. That MA definitely has issues! I'm very surprised. This was my first interaction with him ever. I don't plan to have another, which is why I will not write a post about what happened.

    I thought about it, but I wasted too much energy on that today. Also, I do not want to deal with a bunch of comments from anyone else over there who has a problem with me. I suspect his reaction came from a whole lot more than my silly comment.

    In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he is a bit miffed about my site turning into an overnight success, while he and FTG have put years into their blog. *shrugs.*

    I am not impressed by him in any way and I am surprised to find such an ass working with FTG, whom I love with all my heart. Kinda strange.

    Dems the breaks, kiddo.

    I will keep ya posted on where i end up. Everyone is gonna be in for a big surprise when I do let the cat out of the bag. You won't believe it!

    Have a great week. Keep posting here. My blog has been the pathway to improved writing skills, a feeling of community and a major source of the self esteem I wear with pride these days. You can DO IT! xoxo