Saturday, September 10, 2011

Return from the Ramble

From the other day...digging it outta hiding... 

I have spent countless hours thinking about my addiction, AA, Alanon, sometimes GFD Coda (yeah, I went their outta decided loneliness in my early twenties, pathetic, much?), and the like.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I think I need to fix my thinking elsewhere.  Plus, I have been spending much of my time on a blog--that used to be linked here.  I am really creeped out by its some of its members right now and one of it s moderators.  -  

This blog is a place for ppl to meet up to discuss the dangers and stupidity of the 12 step ideology.  A few weeks ago I was pretty frustrated with several community members over there, one in particular.  I decided to leave the blog, but then went back in a sort of obsessive, without my own permission kind of way.  

My other irritation over at ST was this: an obviously mentally ill woman was on there trying to get some suport.  She seemed kinda borderline, nuts really.  But I could relate to being in that state.  I felt like some women over on the blog were kinda shitty about it.  And then she got kicked off the blog.  Though I love ftg I do not always agree with her and her inability to undermine the rigidity of the other moderator.

I do think spending my energy there takes up energy.  I need my energy to parent, find a teaching job, and deal with the mess that is my life.  And I want to get back to writing.  All I am doing now is commenting on blogs, FBing like a moron, and writing these stoopid stream of consciousness journal type entries.  Snoozefest.  But I do not wanna put myself down too much here.  Right now I still have to pass a teaching test.  Then I need to present my work to the dean of my college.  Fuck.  I just wanna curl up in a ball and read the books I want to read.  I am very low functioning right now.  And also, to make things super fucking stressful, my relationship is so on the rocks that i feel like I am having PTSD panic episodes all the time.  

Also, my son is now in middle school.  I have not truly melted down over this as of yet; however, I feel struck.  I feel like a deer in the headlights.  Heartbroken.  Like it is a sort of crisis.  The world is moving by, passing me by, too quickly.  I feel like everything will end soon.  I feel like if I ignore my life and do not strive for joy, I will also not feel the pain that is inevitable.  The raising is hard, but the letting go is impossible.  I feel like mothering has been the most astounding thing I will ever do.  It is why I am here.  But I also feel like it is the hardest thing.  And I feel like it is one hell of a lonely job.  Moms often compete, we same to rarely cooperate or support.  I was told by the mother of some chubby kids this week to give my son a protein shake.  As I write this, the anger is returning.  Man, who did she think she was doing this? I do not wanna get into what I said, but man, it threw me.  I know my kid is perfect; I was not worried about that.  But I was concerned  I was putting out a vibe that ppl can treat me like shit.  And this woman is so fucking ridiculously housebound in her overly controlled relationship.  She has a permanent, metaphoric, ugly as fuck diaper bag slug over her shoulder.  I would rather not talk to anyone right now, anyone that is in the tiny, boring as fuck , little town.  I hate its conservatism, its reliance on football for entertainment, and its general nit-wit-ism.  I hate the Lands End way ppl dress.  And mostly, fuckitall, And the mom community, well fuck... I am so sick of it, as this mentioned aspect of the mom community where I live seems so rampant with this diaper bag douche baggedness.